


Count Down

by bittersweet_skylines



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, No Romance, Self Harm, Short Story, Unhappy Ending, canon events, im sorry in advance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 18:49:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13886967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bittersweet_skylines/pseuds/bittersweet_skylines
Summary: Soulmates were an interesting concept. Everyone was born with a timer that was frozen on their right wrist. Once you met your soulmate, it started counting down to the moment where you realize that that person was your soulmate.Evan Hansen had always been fascinated in the idea of soulmates. However, he always imagined his soulmate and he would grow old together and live happily ever after. Everything would be okay and they would live side by side. Oh how wrong he was.How very wrong he was.





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> Warning before you begin:  
> This story will have mentions of both suicide and self harm throughout, and as there will only be three chapters, I won't be putting warnings so please keep that in mind. However, there will be nothing graphic described. 
> 
> This story also is not going to have a happy ending, so if you're looking for one of those, I highly recommend searching around the soulmates tag until you find a better one. This isn't technically a spoiler, as I hope the description and tags kind of give that vibe of what's going to happen. 
> 
> If you know me from my other story, that one is still continuing, I'm just writing this shorter one to break up writing the other one, as I will finish it, but I'm just not feeling as motivated to write, so instead here I am with this.

  


Soulmates were an interesting concept. Everyone was born with a timer that was frozen on their right wrist. Once you met your soulmate, it started counting down to the moment where you realize that that person was your soulmate.

Evan Hansen’s timer had been counting down for the past ten years. He switched schools in the second grade, starting two weeks into September. It started counting down during morning recess. At least, that was when he noticed it counting down. 

He tried to theorize who his soulmate was, slowly cutting out names from the list he admittedly kept. The worst part was he met so many people that day, and he didn’t even know if they had been in the same class. 

Today was September First, and if Evan did the math correctly, he would know who his soulmate was in six days, six hours, five minutes and… thirty two seconds. The timer counted down in seconds, so in order to get the right time, Evan had to do extensive amounts of math equations. There was probably an easier way to do the math, but Evan didn’t care. He still had the time right, and every couple days he would recalculate the new time to make sure it was the same.

Evan liked the idea of soulmates a lot. Just the idea of someone could love the mess that he was intrigued him. Though soulmates aren’t guaranteed to work out, it’s just what the universe kind of decides after all, Evan thought he could maintain a nice relationship with someone. Especially if it was meant to be. Sexuality hadn’t been something that occurred to him whenever he thought about these kind of things, he didn’t really care. He was just… so hung up about the fact that he wanted his soulmate, and to be happy. 

Maybe it was partially his mom influencing him in some way- sending this false hope into him. She never did get to meet her soulmate. Some people didn’t get that chance and their timers just never started. Her’s faded in the ninth grade- if Evan was recalling correctly. It was kind of cruel in a way. If a timer hasn’t started, and your soulmate dies, it just fades away to an old scar. If the timer has started though, it just… always counts down, and once it hit zero, it just kept counting down into the negatives for the rest of your life. Even if you did realize they were your soulmate when you were supposed to… it just kept counting. 

His therapists’ timer has been counting down past zero for the past twenty years. She had a black band tattoo around where it would have been to hide it. The two had gotten on the topic one time during a therapy session, after Evan expressed concern about his timer. It froze at one point, then skipped down a couple thousand seconds. Dr Sherman explained that his soulmate was probably struggling either physically or mentally at the time, and the way they were coping shifted both their results. 

Evan didn’t know how much he liked that thought. That whoever his soulmate was was in pain right now, or that they were purposely hurting themselves. He knew how they probably felt, and it was the worst feeling in the world. 

His cast spoke for itself. 

Dr Sherman was in her first year of college when her timer went off. She told Evan that she was looking through an old yearbook and looked directly at the photo of a boy who she had several classes with in the eleventh grade. He was really sweet, but he really bad anxiety and was blind in one eye and partially deaf in the ear on the same side, all scarred up there too. Most kids theorized how it happened, but he never told anyone. She was one of the kids who bullied him and he just… died. 

She didn’t share anything beyond that. It made Evan feel really bad there though. He didn’t bully anyone, he was too nice to do so. Just the concept of your soulmate being someone you laughed at in the halls of the school made Evan shiver. 

Evan left that therapy session tempted to do something stupid. He held onto that feeling for a while, and a week later he jumped out of a tree. Now he had a cast on his arm, a few stitches on his chest and a glob of regret in his stomach. He liked to think that it had nothing to do with that talk, but it did have  _ some  _ sort of factor to it. Really it was just a bunch of things building up at once. 

The very idea of soulmates scared him for a week after that, but he quickly relapsed into his same old ways. He looked over the list of the kids he met on that first day of the second grade and rewrote it in much neater spelling and crossed off half of the kids on the list. 

He gazed around the computer lab and sighed. He still hadn’t recovered from the events that happened that morning- with Connor Murphy shoving him over and snapping at him for no apparent reason. 

That really blew his entire day over. 

Connor Murphy always scared him. They were in the second grade together, one of the first things he saw him do was throw a printer at their teacher and then scream at the music teacher a week later for not letting him have the purple boomwhacker. Needless to say, second grade Evan joined the entire class in being terrified of Connor Murphy. 

Admittedly, Evan still was. They only had second and fourth grade together, and then PE and music merged in the sixth grade, and he hid away from Connor whenever he saw him. 

Then they went to different middle schools and that was heaven. Then, back in high school with him. 

Any time they ran into each other, Evan just considered it the wrong place at the wrong time. Connor never picked a fight with Evan ever, but that didn’t ease that spike of anxiety he got around him. 

He hadn’t done anything to Connor, at least, he didn’t think he did. Jared insulted him in a joking matter- if that was possible. Then he just kind of left and called Connor a freak and then Evan must have  _ looked  _ at him, or cleared his throat, because then Connor shoved him and he fell down and just kind of sat there for a moment, before standing up and brushing himself off. 

He didn’t know what was going on with Connor’s personal life, he didn’t know if he actually did drugs like everyone else claimed, or whether or not he had tried to kill himself in the boys locker room last fall. All he really knew about Connor Murphy came from rumors. 

But those rumors scared him. Evan didn’t like people like that. It overwhelmed him and even if he did want to talk to Connor, just the way he acted around literally everyone creeped him out. He was like a timebomb without a timer display. You never knew when the timer was supposed to go off. 

Evan briefly wondered if that made him as bad as Dr Sherman to not give Connor a chance. It sunk like a rock to the bottom of his stomach as the thoughts settled in the back of his brain, drifting down like loose pieces of printer paper and sliding under a desk, unable to reach and get rid of. 

He shook the thought from his head and sighed. Connor was not his soulmate, it was different. Also, they were two completely different people. There would never be an opportunity for them to talk. They didn’t have any classes, that Evan knew of, together, and neither of them joined any clubs or anything. 

“Dear Evan Hansen…” Evan muttered as he typed out his letter. “It turns out… this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or uh, an amazing year because… because why would it be?” 

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and glanced up at the door. He looked back down to the computer and bit his lip, finishing the letter as quickly as he could, glancing up at the door every other second. 

A swell of anxiety bubbled in his stomach as he printed the letter off. He logged off the computer and watched as the blue screen with the little words “ _ signing out _ ” and a small little buffering symbol in the center. 

If he hadn’t had the willpower to get up when he fell out of the tree, would anyone had eventually came? Would he had been heard? Would it have been ruled an accident or a suicide? Would he have eventually died from that fall? If the impact hadn’t killed him, and all he got was a broken arm, would something had eventually happened?

A cough came from behind him. Evan snapped out of whatever he was doing and turned around on the chair, before standing up. He shifted his feet from one to the other as he steadied himself. 

Connor Murphy was staring at Evan’s… cast? He was pretty sure it was the cast not… 

Yeah he was looking at his arm. 

“How’d you uh, break it?” Connor asked, pointing lazily at the cast with a piece of paper he held in his hand. Evan stared blankly at Connor. Break? Wait- break… what?

“Your arm?” Connor said. 

Evan probably looked like a fool in front of Connor. He was shaking, so very badly. Connor probably noticed it too and Evan didn’t want to admit that it was because Connor Murphy was simply  _ talking  _ to him, but that was what was causing it. 

Connor raised one eyebrow and looked up to make eye contact with him. 

Evan quickly looked away from Connor and looked at his cast. He picked at the edge and let out a small, dry chuckle. 

“Oh! I uh, I fell out of a tree? Y-yeah…” Evan said. He was ashamed for how tense he felt. Sure, strangers made him nervous but  _ no one  _ made him this nervous. Well, teachers made him this nervous and the lady who worked the front desk at his therapy building did too. 

Connor laughed. He couldn’t tell if it was an amused or bitter laugh, but Connor smiled as well and shifted from one foot to the other. Maybe Connor was just as nervous as he was? 

“Well… if that isn’t the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard… Oh my god,” he said. Evan could tell it was amused now, looking back at it. Evan laughed awkwardly and silently willed for the conversation to end. 

He wanted to comment on that, say something like  _ you should hear the whole story. _ But if he did that, he’d start to ramble and Connor didn’t want him to ramble. Besides, he already told that story to Jared and then to his calculus teacher for  _ some  _ reason, and he didn’t want to tell it again, but he  _ had  _ to say  _ something _ -

“No ones signed it?” Connor said. 

Evan looked down at his cast again, before back up to Connor and shrugging. 

“Yeah,” Evan laughed. “I uh, I know…” 

There was a split moment of silence. Connor glanced at his hand before looking back up to Evan. 

“I’ll sign it,” he said. 

“Oh uh- you don’t… you don’t have to? I mean- it’s not  _ that… _ ” 

Connor looked really nervous. He didn’t want to reject him. Maybe Connor wasn’t all that bad? No. He was a timebomb. A scary time bomb that shouldn’t be poked with a thousand foot pole. 

But if he rejected Connor, would he be just as bad as Dr Sherman? 

“Do you have a sharpie?” Connor asked. He licked his lips before glancing down at the floor. 

Evan took the sharpie he had out of his front pocket and handed it to Connor. He grabbed Evan’s arm and tugged it over, earning a small  _ ow  _ from Evan, before he wrote his name in big, bold, capital letters across the cast. 

“Oh uh… thanks…” 

Evan looked up at Connor and they made eye contact, staring blankly into each other's eyes for what seemed like minutes, but in reality the clock only ticked away a few seconds. Connor’s eyes kind of widened, and his lips parted. His face lost all colour as he scrunched up his face. He cleared his throat and looked down. Evan noticed Connor’s timer was down to zero. Lucky him… even the royally fucked up people get soulmates. Did Connor even talk to anyone?

That was mean. Evan wasn’t one to call Connor royally fucked up when he was the exact same way. He didn’t talk to anyone either. 

“You uh, know who your soulmate is?” Evan asked awkwardly. 

Connor looked down at the timer and nodded, before looking back up to Evan. 

“Yeah I uh, I do,” Connor said. “He’s uh… pretty cool-” his voice kind of squeaked “-but… we only have a uh, class together and don’t talk much? I doubt it’ll work out…” 

“Soulmates usually work out,” Evan commented with an awkward smile and a shrug. 

The air grew silent and awkward as the two stood there, both now avoiding eye contact. 

“So uh, now we can pretend we both have friends,” Connor said. Evan made a small  _ hmm  _ sound, before Connor pointed to his cast again. 

“We can both pretend to have friends? With your uh, cast… maybe that way my soulmate will notice me,” he joked lightly with this slight little smirk. 

Evan forced a small nervous laugh and nodded slowly. 

“I uh, don’t know if I’ll help at all… I’m never really noticed,” he said with a small shrug. 

Connor opened his mouth to talk, but turned away, muttering something Evan didn’t catch at all before turning back to look at Evan. 

“Is this yours?” Connor asked, holding the piece of paper out towards him. “It says  _ dear Evan Hansen _ on the top… that’s your name, right?” 

“Oh uh! Yeah… yeah it’s for an assignment?” 

Connor can’t read that letter. He can’t. God no he can’t. 

“And I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if Connor Murphy was my soulmate?” Connor muttered as he read it. 

Evan’s face went pale. 

“Pl-please Connor… it’s  _ nothing  _ really it’s just…” 

“Because he’s like the monster under my bed? I don’t know anything but him but he scares me more than anything else?”

Connor’s face was dropping quickly. Evan choked, trying to say  _ something  _ to make it go alright. They just had a decent moment together and now it was all ruined. 

“I don’t know what I would do?” 

Connor looked up at Evan. He looked like Evan had just stabbed him a thousand times, and now he was bleeding out without even realizing it. Evan’s stomach sank as he was overwhelmed with emotions. What was Connor going to do? 

Lightning flashed over Connor’s face and by time it cleared, Connor was furious. It was like he was just this morning. This was the Connor he knew- the one he was scared of. 

“What kind of shit is this? Did you write it purposely so I could see it? Remind how  _ everyone. Fucking. Hates me _ ? Fuck Hansen, and I thought maybe I could see if I could sit with you for lunch or some shit. Glad to see you’re just like every other dickwad in this school.” Connor spat pure venom. Evan was shaking more now. He needed to say something- anything at all to  _ try  _ and justify what he had just done. 

“C-Connor…”

“Fuck you Hansen! I thought  _ maybe  _ you’d be different,” Connor said, taking a stern step forward. Evan stepped back and swallowed, avoiding eye contact. 

Connor shoved him again, harder this time, and Evan fell half onto his computer chair, tumbling to the ground seconds later and hit his head against the edge of the chair with a loud  _ thud.  _

“Clearly you’re not,” he spat before ripping the letter into six pieces and tossed it over Evan’s still sitting body. 

Connor stormed out, his hand clutching the strap of his beaten up messenger bag. Evan stared blankly as he left, regret slowly creeping up as he didn’t make a move to go and stop Connor, and to explain to him  _ something. _ But he didn’t. So that begged the question… 

Was he just as bad as Dr Sherman?

  


___

  


He kept playing that conversation over and over again in his head, and the guilt was eating him alive. Evan knew if he didn’t make things right with Connor, even just change it somehow, he would regret it until the day he died. 

He didn’t want to be like Dr Sherman. 

Was he as bad as her though? Thinking about it, trying to  _ justify  _ it, Connor Murphy was  _ not  _ his soulmate. He was just someone who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and got something out of context. He didn’t let Evan explain everything that was in that letter, and he only read a little bit of it. If he had seen it, read it all (that thought came much to Evan’s horror) maybe he wouldn’t have acted so violent? 

Trying to analyze the situation, it was both their faults. He could blame Connor the same way he could blame himself and it was fair. 

He thought he came to a distinct solution to the situation; to find Connor and apologize, before trying to explain. He wrote out his key points on a little key card while in his sixth period class and brought it to his therapy session that afternoon. 

He talked about it to Dr Sherman, showing her his taped up letter that Connor had ripped up and then the cue card, and he talked about how he thought about what happened and how he could fix it and how he really  _ really  _ wanted to fix it. 

“I just uh, I think… maybe you know like, I should talk to him? We both probably had a uh, pretty rough day I’m sure? I think like… Connor is kind of a scary guy and uh, he always has been? So maybe I don’t know… I just don’t want him to hate me?” Evan scrambled through his words, picking at his cast as he spoke, shrugging casually towards the end. 

Though the letter did seem to bash on Connor in the beginning of it, it got better, explaining how maybe Evan could live with someone like Connor as a soulmate. Soulmates were soulmates after all, and maybe there was more to Connor that meets the eye. 

Still, the beginning, the stuff Connor read, was very rude and bashed on him as a person a lot. 

Dr Sherman told Evan he shouldn’t try to fix anything between the two. She said that Evan needed to realize that sometimes things don’t go to plan and there are bad consequences. Things like that happen, and apparently, it seemed like most of it was on Connor, and if anyone was going to apologize, it should be Connor first. 

Evan tried to explain that he still wanted to talk to Connor about it and try to explain, and Dr Sherman said he could do that if he really wanted to, but it should be Connor to make the first move about the situation, or else it’s not really something Evan should stress over. 

Evan didn’t like this conclusion, but he took it, and determined that he would try to maybe talk to Connor about it, but not apologize. She said to do that, and Evan knew that Connor would  _ never  _ apologize for what happened. That was a regular thing Connor did. Him lashing out on people was normal. If he wasn’t hunched over his phone, listening to his music, he was yelling at people. He sometimes did it without a reason. You could just glance at Connor Murphy and he could lash out on you. 

Regardless, he still wanted to apologize. Dr Sherman said Connor should be the first one to apologize, but Evan thought differently. It was his fault at the end of the day. If he hadn’t hesitated to get to the printer, it wouldn’t have been notice by Connor and the whole conversation would have never taken place. 


	2. Realization

Evan felt like shit. He didn’t like that feeling at all. He almost always kind of felt pretty shitty so it wasn’t like he wasn’t used to it, but this was different. 

On top of the guilt, Evan found his wrist was hurting like hell, and this throat was sore and sometimes it felt like air couldn’t even pass through his windpipe at some points. He didn’t know  _ what  _ it was, but he knew he should probably look into talking to a doctor about it. 

Connor didn’t come to school the next day, or the day after. It wasn’t much of a surprise, he wasn’t always like that, but he was for most of last year and Evan guessed nothing had changed over the summer. 

“He’s probably off getting high and practicing his aim on some squirrels in a park,” Jared joked during second period while the two were sitting side by side in English. Evan had muttered a  _ not funny _ , but Jared probably didn’t hear him. 

He still wanted to apologize, because he didn’t like the idea of someone hating him. Evan liked to think no one  _ truly  _ hated him, but instead just disliked him. Connor for sure hated him though, and he knew he couldn’t force Connor to like him, but if he could just make Connor hate him just a little bit more, that would be okay. 

On the bright side, Connor not being there yesterday and today meant that he had two more day to rehearse what he was going to say. Realistically, he was going to become a complete and utter mess when he did see Connor, but he liked to pretend that when it came down to it, he would talk to Connor and get his point across properly. 

“ _ Hi Connor, I uh, I was wondering if we could talk?” _

In his head, Connor immediately rejected him. 

“ _ Please? It won’t take long. I just… want to talk about what happened?” _

Ideally, this is where Connor would huff and roll his eyes before the two of them went outside, maybe to sit at that bench under the tree and then the two of them would sit in an awkward silence before Connor would speak up, snapping at him and asking what the hell he wanted to talk about. 

Evan would stammer and stutter, trying to form proper sentences before he took a deep breath and  _ finally _ got something through. Connor would be annoyed with him, but hopefully he’d listen as Evan struggled through his sentences. 

He’d apologize for writing the letter, and reassure Conor that he didn't even know he was in the room at the time of printing his letter. Maybe he’d offer to show him the first two letters he wrote to help back up his argument. 

He’d for sure have to apologize for snooping so low and to assume those things about Connor. It wasn’t his place and he knew that. He of all people should know that it sucked when people jumped to conclusions. 

It wasn’t necessary for him to mention, but Evan maybe wanted to bring up how his therapist recommended he waited for Connor to apologize first, but he knew that it was all his fault so he wanted to initiate it- not that he was assuming Connor would apologize too! He just wanted his apology to be accepted and that was it. That’s all he wanted. 

All he wanted was for Connor to hear him out, actually. 

He just hoped that Connor was at school tomorrow so he could get everything off of his chest. He didn’t know if he could wait another day. 

Jared didn’t know the full story, but he knew enough to be able to give his own opinion. With Connor’s name sprawled across his cast in large letters, he kind of needed to tell Jared at least a little bit of what happened to avoid Jared being a total dick and teasing him about it for who knows how long. 

“Personally, I think you should just let it go. I mean, Connor shoved you twice in one day and he’s probably indifferent to you. He doesn’t care and chances were he was high so I mean… He might not even remember any of it once he sobers up.  _ If  _ he sobers up,” Jared said with a small, cruel chuckle at the end. 

Evan did not appreciate his comment. 

High or not, he wanted to apologize. 

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Evan anxiously scoured the halls for any trace of Connor. By the end of second period, he had yet to see Connor at all, which was a little disheartening. Come to think of it, he hadn’t seen Zoe either. 

Evan’s first thought was that their family went away on a trip, and wouldn’t be back until next week, for whatever reason that may have been, but he was quick to debunk that one himself. Sure, their family probably had the money for it, but they wouldn't’ take their kids somewhere after only having been back to school for one day, so that wasn’t the case. 

There could have been a family emergency. Maybe an aunt had a heart attack or their grandfather passed away, so the two were taking a few days off. Maybe they had to catch a redeye flight to Sweden to visit a suddenly sick cousin. Did they have family in Sweden? Probably not. They didn’t  _ seem  _ like the Swedish type, but was there a Swedish type? Evan didn’t want to stereotype people. That was rude. 

He kind of did that to Connor though. Connor was scary, and he immediately put Connor into the school shooter category, as Jared referred to it as. That was what caused this whole mess of a situation in the first place. All because of that damn letter. 

Evan sat down in the back corner of his Geography class and pulled out his notes, preparing himself for the class that still had five more minutes until it started. 

Jared came in, dropped off his binder in his spot before walking over to Evan’s desk, carelessly sitting down on top of his binder. Evan just sighed and sat back in his seat. 

“You look like shit,” Jared said bluntly. 

“Thanks I uh, I feel like it…” Evan muttered. 

“Why? Accidently liked one of Zoe Murphy’s instagram photos from two years ago?” Jared laughed. Evan glared at him before rolling his eyes and huffing. 

“ _ No  _ Jared. I don’t even  _ have  _ instagram anymore,” Evan said. “It’s none of your business anyways… Just… had a rough first day.” 

“Oh yeah- I saw the physco shove you after I left. Totally uncalled for. Everyone knows you’re probably the most delicate flower in the world,” Jared laughed. 

“Jared… please… I’m serious… it uh, it was a really rough day. So much other shit happened and it was…” 

“It was what?”  

“Nothing…” 

_ It was all your fault Jared. If you could have just kept your mouth shut yesterday none of that would have happened. I could have floated through the rest of day like I normally did but you just had to be a dick and call out Connor on the fact that he grew out his hair. What’s wrong with that anyways! The long hair looks good on him.  _

“Evan? What’s with the scowl?” Jared asked. 

Evan softened his face and frowned before looking at the front of the classroom. Jared huffed and muttered something about Evan being no fun before he sat down two rows ahead of him. 

Mrs Brooks, the geography teacher walked in and sat down at her desk. Tension was practically radiating off of her and Evan was glad he didn’t know about anything going on in his teachers life, because the last thing he wanted was to have more stress and tension on his shoulders. 

The class went quiet as the bell rang and Mrs Brooks went on with attendance, still not knowing the names of everyone after just one class. Evan hummed softly as he doodled with his pen. He had Mrs Brooks last year and she knew about his situation, so she didn’t call his name. Instead she smiled and gave him a thumbs up before continuing on with the list. 

The class went on as normal until the bell rang, fifteen minutes earlier than normal. Evan seemed to be the only one who noticed as kids filed out of the class. Evan bit his lip and looked to Jared, who was talking to a redheaded girl. 

Hesitantly, Evan approached him as the girl walked away. 

“Hey uh, Jared?” Evan asked. 

“What?” 

“Did you notice that the bell rang way to early… and Mrs Brooks didn’t even point it out?” Evan asked. 

Jared paused for a minute, before glancing at the clock and shrugging. 

“Maybe her clock is just slow,” Jared said, picking up his things. 

“My phone isn’t and it’s the uh, the same time… see?” Evan said as he pulled out his phone, showing Jared the time. Jared sighed and glanced around before looking over to Mrs Brooks who was sitting on her computer. 

“Hey Brooks?” Jared called out, catching her attention. She looked over to him with a small smile. 

“Yes Jared?” she asked. 

“Is there a reason why the bell rang early?” Jared asked. She sighed and frowned, before nodding. 

“Yes… There’s an assembly to address something that happened a few days ago… It’s not my place to talk about it but uh, it will happen after the final period and will go until the end of the day. It’s going to cover some heavy topics…” she said hesitantly, as if she was telling us a secret and couldn’t let too much of it on. 

She glanced down and frowned softly. Evan felt like she was staring at his cast, so he moved it protectively behind himself. 

“Good luck boys. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said with a soft, possibly sympathetic smile. Evan nodded slowly before rushing out of the classroom. 

* * *

 

Just like Mrs Brooks said, at the end of fourth period, which, like their other three classes, ended fifteen minutes early, the students were gathered up in the gym along all the bleachers. It was hot and uncomfortable and Evan was stuck in between a boy who decided he was allowed to spread his legs out as far as possible and a girl who was wearing way too much perfume. 

Evan did not like it one bit. 

“Good afternoon students. I am Principal Brown as you all should know. Unfortunately, I do not bring good news. Today we need to discuss a heavy topic, and I am afraid it cannot go unaddressed. Two days ago, we lost a student to suicide and with the permission of his parents, we have chosen to hold this assembly to honor the death of Connor Murphy, and to speak about how suicide is not the answer.” 

He continued talking, possibly starting to talk about Connor but Evan couldn’t process any of it. His ears were ringing and he felt like he couldn’t breath and no matter how much he focused in on the words, nothing was processing. 

He didn’t say Connor Murphy, did he?  _ Did he? _

Evan shook his head in disbelief. No. No this was  _ not  _ happening. He needed to apologize! Connor couldn’t be dead… he didn’t kill himself. He was off getting high! Sitting in a tree or on the other side of town or  _ something.  _ Connor Murphy was  _ not  _ dead. He was not. 

But then the screen at the other side of the gym switched to a photo of Connor. It wasn’t recent at all- his yearbook photo from last year to be exact. His hair was short and he was kind of smiling. If it weren’t for Connor’s name being under the photo, he wouldn’t have known it was him. 

They were talking about Connor. Evan took a deep breath and tried to focus in on what Principle Brown was saying. 

“... We are aware that Connor was not well liked around the school, and that he was a frequent trouble maker.  _ However,  _ we do not want you, the students, to blame yourself for what Connor did. The staff did not turn a blind eye, and we know how he was ostracized from the school. However, we are aware that at times he could turn to violence as well…” 

Evan was zoning out again. The students blaming themselves.  _ Pah.  _ Like they care about Connor. He cared about Connor. He didn’t know him at all, but his name was sprawled across his arm, and that counted for something. Or did it?

Evan felt responsible. He completely kicked Connor in the guts several times with that  _ damn  _ letter. Evan felt so bad, so much worse now. He would never be able to apologize now. Connor will never know how much he regretted  _ everything.  _

“Everytime you call out, you are a little less alone. No one is alone. We are one together at our school- in our community. If you ever find yourself overwhelmed by the darkness, you can reach out, and someone will help. Whether that be a teacher, our guidance counsellor, your parents or legal guardians or a friend. Someone will be there for you.”

Evan didn’t know how long it had been. School was close to be over now. He knew that. They had long since moved on from Connor and started talking about how suicide was not the answer. Evan knew that, but he also knew that sometimes the darkness could become so overwhelming that it just… swallowed you whole. 

And then you just… jumped. 

Evan swallowed hard and picked at his cast, close to tears now. If he had succeeded when he jumped, would Connor be dead now? If Evan was dead, and that letter was never written or read, would Connor have reached his tipping point? How much of the whole situation would have been changed? 

He shook his head and tried to control his breathing. He felt the perfume girl move away and the crouch spreader scoff. Probably at him. Evan glanced around nervously and chewed on his lower lip. In for… seven was it? Hold for four out for six…  _ Fuck.  _ He couldn’t remember what he was thinking about. How did he do it? 

“Connor Murphy’s funeral will be on Sunday. The details are behind me now on the screen or you can find it on the school's website. Thank you, and please remember. You are not alone.”

The entire school shot up almost at the same time as they were dismissed and Evan was for sure one of the first to leave. He raced to his locker and with shaky hands, unlocked it. He was trying to control his breathing but he was failing miserably. 

Two girls were standing just behind him, whispering about Connor and how horrible everything was. 

Evan knew the blonde girl to be one of Jared’s friends, who last year laughed as some guy dumped a vanilla milkshake down Connor’s back. Evan felt furious at the girl, but he had to remind himself… He was just as bad. 

He was just as bad as Dr Sherman. 

* * *

 

Evan managed to convince Jared to come with him to Connor’s funeral. He had originally asked his mother, after explaining how he was just a classmate but he still wanted to go as he sort of knew him, but she had to work a shift and there was no was she could get out of it. Jared didn’t want to be here, Evan knew that, but he was still grateful for it. Jared hadn’t even mentioned his car insurance. 

There wasn’t that many people there, which was kind of disheartening. It was mostly family members, Evan assumed. They all seemed really close, plus most of them were sitting on the family side of the pews. 

Evan and Jared sat in the very back corner, and as to Evan’s request, didn’t dare go up near the body. They planned to duck out quickly after the funeral without giving condolence to the family. Evan found it wrong. He was the one who drove Connor to this. 

He wasn’t though. He  _ hoped  _ he wasn’t. He hoped his brain was just making him think it was his fault because he always needed to put the blame on himself. 

Evan swallowed hard as the service came close to an end. He was still having trouble breathing and his wrist was still sore. Evan glanced down at his wrist and raised his eyebrows. 

His timer was just under six hundred seconds… that was ten minutes. How sick and cruel. He was going to realize who his soulmate was at a funeral for a classmate whomst last memory of Evan was going to be him insulting him after such a nice moment. 

The service ended and everyone stood up. He and Jared, who seemed to mostly be disinterested, stood up and made their way out of the pew. He sighed and took a moment to collect himself before they both turned to leave. 

“Evan Hansen?” An all too familiar voice rang out. Zoe Murphy, to be exact. 

Evan bit his lip before he turned around on his heels and faced Zoe. She didn’t look sad. She looked…  _ numb.  _ Like she was a walking corpse. It’s only then when everything truly processes. Zoe is now an only child. She grew up with a brother and now that’s gone. 

“Hi uh… Zoe,” Evan said softly, picking at his cast and avoiding all eye contact. He couldn’t do that. Not here. 

“Thank you for coming… both of you… I know Connor wasn’t really well liked… I’m just… my mother would like to talk to you Evan,” she said, interrupting his own thoughts a few times. Evan exchanged a glance between Jared before looking at Zoe. 

“Uh… Why? N-no offense! It’s just uh, she doesn’t know me?” Evan said, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. 

“She’ll explain,” Zoe said.

Evan and Jared looked at each other for a brief moment before Evan followed Zoe up to the reception room, where everyone had already gathered. Zoe thanked the few people who tried to speak to her as she pushed passed, Evan following with Jared far behind. 

“Mom?” Zoe said. Mrs Murphy looked to be the worst of them all. The man standing next to her was for sure Mr Murphy- Evan recognized it. While Zoe seemed numb, Connor’s mother was a sobbing mess, and then Mr Murphy just seemed…  _ angry. _

“Oh! You must be Evan… Hello,” Mrs Murphy said, before forcing a small smile. 

“It’s uh, very nice to meet you Mrs Murphy… I’m uh, I’m so sorry that it’s uh, under such bad circumstances,” Evan replied before extending his hand for her to shake. Instead, she pulled Evan into a quick hug. Evan did not like the sudden hug, but instead he hugged her back before politely pulling away. 

“As am I…” she said. “You know, Connor didn’t have any friends… It’s so soothing to know someone- the two of you, cared enough to come. It means the world to me… We thought Connor was  _ so  _ alone but… you’re here,” Mrs Murphy said. 

“Yeah uh…” Evan took a deep breath before he glanced at his wrist. “Connor and I uh, we didn’t know each other very well but…” 

Five… four… three… two… one.

“We were soulmates.”

Evan’s heart shattered into a million pieces as the timer started counting down in the negatives. He felt tears- real tears for Connor Murphy- weld up in his eyes. 

He heard Jared gasp, and then he looked up to Mrs Murphy, who looked at him with sympathetic eyes. 

“Oh Evan,” she said softly. Evan shook his head and wiped at his eyes. 

“I never uh, got the chance to know him and I uh, I regret that… I am so sorry for everything ma’am…” Evan said. He was shaking. Or was he shaking? God he didn’t know. 

“It’s not your fault Evan,” she said softly. “Connor… goodness we were so blind to the fact that he was damaged and needed help… I wish we had seen it sooner…” 

Evan nodded softly. 

“I can’t uh, help but feel responsible.... For everything,” Evan said. 

“No no Evan. None of it is your fault… I am so sorry. I uh, I should go now, and speak to everyone. I’m so sorry listen… give Zoe your number and we will stay in touch, okay?” Mrs Murphy said. Evan nodded before Zoe handed him her phone and he punched his number in. 

Evan waited for the group to walk away before he sped out of there and onto the street. He sat down on the bench outside and gripped the arm rest. He was shaking and sobbing and the room was spinning and his  _ soulmate was dead.  _

Connor Murphy was his soulmate. 

Connor Murphy knew Evan was his soulmate. 

Connor died thinking his soulmate hated him. 

Jared sat beside him and awkwardly patted him on the back. Evan sobbed and sobbed and he was heaving and he couldn’t breath and his throat felt like it was closing in on himself. 

“I c-c-can’t… breathe…” Evan sobbed. Jared wrapped an arm around Evan and brought him closer and Evan rested his head on Jared’s shoulder. He sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. 

His soulmate was dead- gone! He died thinking Evan hated him. The situation wasn’t more wrong. 

All Evan wanted was to meet his soulmate. To fall in love with his soulmate. To be with his soulmate- the one person that was made for him- forever. Forever was gone now though. His soulmate was dead and Evan was alone. Evan was so alone in the universe. He had no soulmate- no one else could love the mess that he was. Jared didn’t even care about him. 

“Let’s get you home Evan,” Jared said. Evan nodded weakly. Everyone would be coming out soon enough now and Evan didn’t want to face any of them. 

He got into the passenger seat of Jared’s car and blew his nose with a McDonald’s napkin he found on the floor. He was so broken. He couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t think of anything but the fact that his timer was counting down in the negatives now, his soulmate was dead. He had spoken to his soulmate like a horrible person. He asked his soulmate if he and his soulmate were close, because Connor’s timer was at zero. 

His soulmate thought he hated him. He thought that he was scared of him. Connor would never know the truth, and Evan would never be able to apologize.


	3. Acceptance

Jared lead a still shaking Evan into the living room of Evans house. Evan wasn't responding at this point, but he would walk and sit and occasionally glance at Jared with sad watery eyes. 

He had stopped crying viciously. Instead he opted for silent slow streaming tears. He sat down on the couch and as soon as Jared was beside him, Evan rested his head on Jared’s shoulder and sniffed. 

_ I killed him I killed him I killed him I killed him. _

“Evan? Your mom is going to be home soon,” Jared said. Evan felt him shift around on the couch, but it wasn't enough to get Evan to move. 

_ I killed him. _

Evan barely nodded before he wiped at his eyes. He was just going numb at this point. He couldn't feel anything but emptiness. It  _ hurt. _ Emptiness hurt. So much. 

Emptiness filled his lungs and forced any oxygen out. It clawed its way through Evan’s dry throat and settled deeply into his stomach. His entire body was consumed by emptiness. And he couldn't do anything about it. 

“You hungry at all Evan?” Jared asked. 

Evan sat up and gave a harsh, throaty laugh. 

“I don't think I'll ever eat again.” 

It wasn't ideal, but at least he was talking now. 

“Evan… it’s only been an hour… This is the last thing you want to hear, but it’s going to get better,” Jared said. 

“He died…” Evan paused. He knew what he was going to say, it had been going through his mind all day. He just couldn’t bring himself to say it. He closed his eyes tightly and took a deep, shaky breath which ended with a gross throaty sob that physically hurt his throat. 

“I know.”

“No just… he uh, he died and I…” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “He died thinking I hated him… that the er- the last, the last person I would want to be soulmates with was him… I just… I’m responsible? Like… he realized that I uh, I was his soulmate minutes…  _ s-seconds  _ before he read a stupid fucking  _ letter  _ I wrote,” Evan said. 

Jared said nothing. He held Evan’s hand and gave it a small squeeze. Evan couldn’t remember the last time Jared was  _ this  _ nice to him. Jared was a dick when it boiled down to it, but he was his best friend. He was all fun and laughs but he knew when to be serious, and he could never be more grateful for that. 

The door opened and Heidi called out to the house, before making her way into the living room. Evan didn’t turn to look at her. His tears were finally slowing down and if he looked at his mom, he knew he would start sobbing again, having to explain everything  _ again _ and Evan couldn’t do it. 

“Evan honey, are you okay?” she asked. 

All Evan had to do was look at Jared with an expression that read  _ please talk to her _ for him. Jared gave a small smile and nodded before giving his hand one more squeeze. 

“Heidi, can I uh, talk to you in the kitchen?” Jared said. Obviously his mom was concerned now and Evan held back more tears. He wouldn’t do it. He can’t cry. Not right now he needs a break. 

The two left and Evan watched their bodies move as they spoke in the kitchen. Evan could just see the two through the arch way dividing the two room, with a small hallway in between. 

Jared was sitting and Evan guessed he was telling her  _ everything  _ that happened, that he found out. In any other situation, he hoped that Jared would hold back, but the less Evan needed to explain the better. 

His mom put her hands up to her mouth and took a step back, before locking eyes briefly with Evan. 

Evan turned away and the tears started waterfalling again. He was silent for the most part but he sobbed. He grabbed the blanket that wasn’t really a blanket, more like a decorative couch drape thingy, and wrapped it around himself. It was so small and barely covered both his shoulders but he needed  _ something.  _

Jared came back into the living room a few minutes later and handed Evan a real blanket. Evan muttered a thanks before wrapped himself around the proper blanket. 

“I’m going to stay the night, alright? I’m just going to go pick up my things… I told your mom about Connor and how you two were soulmates… and told her how your last interaction wasn’t ideal but I didn’t tell her what happened. I kept it as vague as possible but I told her a lot,” Jared said. Evan tuned out after Jared said he was staying the night. 

He nodded slowly and looked to Jared. 

“Thank you,” he said quietly. “Thank you for everything.” 

“There’s no need to thank me bud. I’m here for you-  regardless of the car insurance,” Jared said with a small chuckle. Evan laughed dryly and smiled and nodded quickly. 

He got up and left, and then his mom was right beside him. She wrapped her arm around him and Evan rested his head on her shoulder. 

“It hurts mom…” Evan said quietly before snorting back snot. She shifted a bit and handed Evan a tissue box and Evan blew his nose. 

“When I was sixteen I had a friend named Lily and she had a soulmate. They discovered it in the sixth grade and were inseparable. When Lily finished sophomore year her soulmate moved to Germany with his mother and the two fell out of touch. Of course, Lily was heartbroken. She ended up going to New York for university and met a boy she really liked. Emails were a thing now so she and I kept in touch.

“Her soulmate came back for her but she was long gone now, in love with someone new. It hurt her, it wasn’t her soulmate, after all, but she was happy. The two had an argument over a long distance call and a week later he was found dead in his apartment. 

“Lily was heartbroken and filled with so much regret. I watched her wither away into an alcoholic and give birth to twins she didn’t even knew the father of. It was a rough five years for her. I never thought she would get better. The worst thing is to lose your soulmate to suicide. 

“But, she turned herself around and was happy again. She looked back on the memories they had with happiness and even though it still hurt… she was OK again. She has a family and a husband she loves to pieces. 

“I know this isn’t the best story… You and Connor didn’t really know each other at all, and according to Jared you didn’t get many happy moments together. But the moral of this story is that you’ll get better. It’s going to hurt and maybe you’ll never find someone to fill the void, but you’ll move on. I know what you’re going through. It’s not as bad I  _ know _ … but I will always be here for you. I don’t want you to feel alone. I will be here every step of the way. From when it all feels so big, till it’s so small you can’t even movie. I’m your mother, and I love you, and I will be here for you. I don’t want to see you end up like Lily…” 

Evan was crying and his mom’s voice was shaking, so maybe she was crying too but Evan couldn’t bring himself to lift his head to check. 

“I love you m-mom,” Evan said quietly. 

She ran her hand through his hair and held him closer. 

“I love you too.” 

 

* * *

 

Jared was sleeping on his floor, snoring softly. This was the second night he slept over. He didn’t need to sleep over again but he did, and Evan was kind of glad he did. Evan wished he could sleep. Everytime he closed his eyes he saw Connor’s hurt face before he shoved Evan, tossing that damn letter back to him in pieces. 

The time read  _ 4:03  _ and Evan knew he wasn’t getting any sleep tonight, so he decided to sneak out and get some air. 

He got off the bed slowly and made his way across the room as quietly as he could. Jared was a light sleeper, Evan knew that for sure. 

He got to the kitchen without trouble and filled the kettle with water and turned on the stove. He wanted tea. He only drank tea when he was sick, but he felt sick. He felt so so sick and he knew he was perfectly healthy. 

He grabbed a green tea bag and a mug and got the honey container out of the pantry. He pulled out his phone and looked at whatever he could to distract himself while he waited for the water to boil. 

Once the kettle was about to whistle, Evan took it off and turned off the stove and made his tea. He was probably only going to drink one cup, but he boiled way too much water. 

The worst part was waiting for his tea to brew in his mug. He didn’t want to wait any longer. He wanted to feel the warmth of the tea in his throat just so he could feel  _ something.  _

He could feel something if he just… 

Evan’s hands were shaking as he stepped towards the stove. He hovered his hand over the burner he just used, knowing fully well the thing was still hot. Evan bit his lip and moved so his wrist was sitting over top of the burner. Right where that  _ damn  _ timer was which was counting down in the negatives. He was shaking and swallowed harshly. It hurt just to hover it over the burner. 

There was a split moment of hesitation where Evan went to pull away, before his subconscious took over and closed his eyes tightly, before slamming his forearm on the burner and pressing it harshly against it. 

His eyes were watering and he wanted to cry out in pain but he didn’t want to wake anyone up. 

He only stayed on it for less than five seconds but it hurt and it was blistering and  _ fuck  _ he didn’t think it was going to be this bad. 

Evan took a few deep breaths before grabbing a bag of frozen fruit and sitting at the kitchen table. He was crying again, mostly due to the pain, and shaking. He stirred the honey into his tea and sipped it, before dropping a few of the frozen raspberries into the tea so it could cool down a bit. 

He kept his calm as he sat here, right arm extended out with the fruit over it and his left casted being used to slowly drink his tea. He didn’t move, and continued to stare at the spot at the table directly across from here, even though no one was there. 

A long time had passed, the pain was still seething but he was numb again. The shower went off a while ago, and now footsteps were coming downstairs. He knew it was his mother just from the footsteps. 

His tea was cold now, but there was still a third left so he sipped some more. 

“Oh jesus Evan you scared me!” His mom suddenly said from behind him. Evan jumped before turning around to look at his mother. As soon as he did though, he knew she knew something happened. 

“Sorry,” Evan muttered. She came over, probably with intent to give him a hug, but instead he heard a small gasp and she sat down beside Evan to his right, where his arm was still extended out. 

“Evan what happened?” she asked. She seemed scared, Evan would be too if he was in her case. 

His eyes welded up and shook his head lightly, blinking back tears. 

“I’m s-sorry mom,” he hiccuped. “I wanted to feel something…  _ anything… _ And I uh…  _ fuck it hurts so much _ ,” he muttered, wiping his face with his hand that wasn’t burnt. 

“Evan, can I move the bag?” 

He nodded and felt the weight of the somewhat cold fruit lifted off his shoulder. 

“Oh my god Evan…  _ how _ …” 

“I just… I made uh, I made tea? Yeah, tea and while it was brewing er- in my cup… I uh, I saw the burner and just… I’ve felt  _ numb. Nothing _ for the past two days and I just… I wanted to feel  _ anything.” _ Evan hiccuped again and finished his tea. He yet to meet her eyes. 

“When did you do this?” 

“What time’s it?” Evan asked. 

“Six thirty.” 

“Around f-four?” Evan said with a small shrug. Heidi sighed and closed her eyes. 

“Let’s get you bandaged up,” she said softly. Evan nodded slowly but didn’t move. She took the hint and grabbed the first aid kit from the bathroom and returned, taking everything out. 

 

_____

 

It had been a week. It wasn’t better but it didn’t hurt as much. 

His heart still ached though, the healing burn was just a distraction. He ended up needing a minor surgery for skin grafting and was healing fine. Jared served as a good distraction. He had practically moved into his bedroom floor. He brought his tv and playstation to hook up, even. 

He wasn’t complaining. It was nice to have him around. 

He had visited the Murphy’s the other day and Cynthia seemed to be just about as good as Evan was. She showed him baby pictures of Connor and talked about all the happy memories they had with him. It was bittersweet. That could have been  _ his  _ Connor. He could’ve had a relationship with him, but he was gone now. All Evan had was her happy memories. 

Evan felt guilty to feel so upset over his death. He didn’t know Connor. He didn’t deserve to cry. Not to the extent that Cynthia was. 

He ended up missing all of school that week, and then two days the next. The only day he made it to was Monday, just after the funeral, and just one glance at the people around him caused him to get all shaken up and Jared drove him home half way through first block. 

He was going tomorrow. Evan knew he had to. He couldn’t hide away from the world forever. 

* * *

  
  


He ended up going back the same day that Zoe went, and the two silently acknowledged each other as Evan passed her at her locker. She was talking to two girls who Evan recognized, but had never seen Zoe with. 

Zoe ended up joining him for lunch, the two tucked in the corner of the computer lab. Neither of them really spoke. Zoe ate her sandwich and Evan worked on homework he was behind on. 

“You know, everyone seems to want to be my friend now. I’m known as the girl with the dead brother,” Zoe said with a soft, emotionless laugh. Evan frowned and looked up at her. Evan hadn’t talked much to Zoe, but he was willing to be here for her. 

“I just… I know you guys were soulmates, but… Connor was so  _ horrible  _ to me. I just… I can’t mourn him the way my mom is… or you… or everyone else in this damn school,” she said. 

“Do you uh, miss him? At all?” Evan asked. 

“Him and his threats to kill me? His constant fighting and yelling with my father? The constant smell of pot on him?” Zoe asked, about to answer, probably harshly, but then she stopped herself. “I didn’t cry at the hospital. I didn’t cry at the funeral… I didn’t cry when I watched him get buried in the ground. I haven’t cried about him at all but… there’s this pit in my chest that feels like a black hole and I can’t shake it… it feels like something is missing.”

“I know how that feels… uh, n-not because of Connor! I… barely knew him but I uh, I deal with that constantly,” Evan replied. 

Zoe frowned and ran a hand through her hair.

“Connor was horrible to me… I hate to say he would have been horrible to you too, but it’s possible. I can’t give him a requiem. This has changed my life… and always will I just…” 

Zoe’s eyes started to water, and within seconds she was choking on her own sobbs and cuffing her hands over her mouth in attempt to stop them. Evan bit his lip. He didn’t know if Zoe wanted comfort or not, so he just sat there awkwardly until she stood up and held out her arms, which was when Evan stood up and hugged her, letting her sob on his shoulder as he tried not to think about what kind of thoughts were racing through her mind. 

“It’s uh, it’s going to be hard… I think but… you’re not… you’re not alone, you know? I’m here… your parents I uh, I’m sure you have some friends… That was a stupid addition…” Evan said, rubbing his hand in small circles around her back. He didn’t know if that would help, but his mother and Jared did that whenever they gave him a comforting hug, so he thought to try it. 

“Those people giving you pity- they uh, mean well? But, don’t worry about it… the only people that matter are the people closer than you? I mean, I’m not close to you at all but… stick to the people that mean something to you… they’ll help,” Evan continued. 

Zoe laughed and pulled away, grabbing a tissue from the nearby box and blowing into it. 

“Come over tonight? My mom’s making crappy lasagna tonight but uh, I think we’d all like you around,” Zoe said with a nod. “Well, I’d like you around anyways…” 

“Why?” Evan asked. “Not to uh, be mean or anything! I just…” 

“You said to keep people that matter to you close, so come over,” Zoe said. 

Evan blinked and took a second to process what she was saying. 

“Oh! Okay yeah uh, I can come over…” 

  
  


It got better with time, something no one really believed would happen. Once Evan’s burn healed, it scarred, but he ended up tattooing over the still visible timer with an intricate tattoo of a leafless tree, which roots laced itself down around his arm and the branches twisted around his wrist to hide the counter as best as it could and then ended around his fingers. Admittedly, it was way too much at first, but after a couple months he got used to it being there. 

He ended up moving out with Jared, which was a  _ really  _ odd choice, for both of them. However, they ended up going to the same university a couple of cities over and it was cheaper for the two to rent an apartment than to get a dorm room. 

Jared met his soulmate while working as a barista at a starbucks during their second year, and realized who she was two weeks later when she came back for another drink. 

That kind of sucked, but Evan got passed his jealousy when he walked in on the two cuddling on their couch both asleep at three am, after having accidentally stayed in one of the science lab rooms for  _ far  _ too long.   

He kind of forgot that soulmates existed by time he had graduated, forcing himself to focus on more interesting things. 

There was still shit days where Evan kind of got into a slump for a short while, before getting over himself and focusing on what mattered at hand. 

It was particularly hard when everyone started starting families and getting married. Evan had given up on romance altogether after a short lived, unsuccessful romance with a guy he met at a bar- classy, he’s aware. 

What people don’t tell you about non soulmate relationships, your arm burns like  _ hell  _ when you betray your soulmate. Kind of sucks when you don’t have a soulmate to betray. 

But, all in all. He was okay. He was the godfather to Jared’s first born, and regular babysitter to the three of his kinds. His mom was doing well and lived just down the street from him, and he was still in contact with the Murphys’. They lived across town, and Zoe was currently in England, so he didn’t see them much, but they still spoke. 

* * *

 

Soulmates were an interesting concept. Everyone was born with a timer that was frozen on their right wrist. Once you met your soulmate, it started counting down to the moment where you realize that that person was your soulmate. 

Evan liked the idea of soulmates a lot. Just the idea of someone could love the mess that he was intrigued him. Though soulmates aren’t guaranteed to work out, it’s just what the universe kind of decides after all, Evan thought he could maintain a nice relationship with someone. Especially if it was meant to be.

Of course, Evan never got to know his soulmate. He knew  _ of  _ him, but his soulmate died before the two got to have a decent conversation. 

He didn’t want to say he moved on, however, he was making his way through life without one. 

He didn’t want to be as bad as Dr Sherman, and he wasn’t. Evan was okay, Evan was fine. 

Evan did his best, and it didn’t turn out how it expected. That was okay. Connor died thinking Evan wanted nothing to do with him, and he couldn’t change that. 

He couldn’t change a lot of things, but he was okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's for reading! This is kind of a short story. Obviously. I don't know. I liked the idea of soulmates but so many were happy and I just like the idea of having at least one in the world where it follows the canon a bit. 
> 
> The ending is not what I wanted it to be, but after three different endings I decided on this one. Maybe someday I'll edit it.


End file.
